Hey!
Still haven't met/heard from President Harding but we have interviews with him on Wednesday before Zone Conference, so I'll let you know what that's like next week!
Funny thing that I forgot to tell you from the first week S. Clark was here: we were at the church and the Martinsons (a family here) were there with their little boy. He's like 2, and when S. Clark first met him, he had a hot dog in his hands. You know, just a plain ol' hot dog weenie without the bun or anything. He got shy when she bent down to say hi and just started to roll the hot dog all over his head. Does anybody else find that to be hilarious? I cried.
This week was full of really great moments. One of them was when I realized that Sister Clark is like Paul Blart (mall cop) because she feels like she's going to pass out if she doesn't eat every twenty minutes. I told her it's training hunger, and it's a real thing. I was plagued by it as well when I was with Sister Weaver in Vilnius. But yeah, sometimes I like to call her Sister Blart. That looks cruel when I type it, but believe me, it's all in good fun.
We had such an awesome experience with Inna. We went over to her place on a whim (our plans for that evening had fallen through), and had just planned on checking up on how her reading of the Book of Mormon is going. We sat down, started with a prayer, and then Inna looked at me and said, "Sister, I will be baptized." I was a little confused for a second but then she continued and said, "I just can't say when because of my injury. My doctor said it absolutely cannot be wet and I know that you baptize people by putting them all the way under the water. We will have to see, but I have made this decision for myself and I am going to be baptized as soon as my leg is healed."
Have I mentioned that I cry over everything nowadays? This was no exception. I looked like such a fool with the biggest grin on my face and I felt like my jaw was going to drop to the floor but at the same time wanted to sob with pure joy. Inna had previously said she'd be baptized but hadn't meant it like she meant it this time. I asked her what made her come to this decision and she said, "I don't know. Maybe it was the Holy Ghost because when I was thinking about being baptized, I felt a great sense of peace and I knew that it was right." The whole lesson was so guided by the Spirit. She told us that she was afraid that she wouldn't ever be worthy to be baptized, and how she's always been a lost lamb. What was cool about that was before we were leaving our apartment, just as we were locking our door, Sister Clark ran back inside and grabbed a picture of Christ with a lamb to give to Inna. Right after we testified of the Atonement of the Savior and how she can be made whole, S. Clark gave her the picture. Inna read the caption, "Lost No More" and said, "You read my heart."
I also felt impressed to read Alma 36 with her. After reading Alma the Younger's account of how his guilt was swept away, I asked Inna what kind of power saved him. She reread it a few times and it was like a light went on her in her head and she said, "It was the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It was because He died for Alma and was able to save Him because of His sacrifice." She nodded and kept going. "And that's how I can change too? Because of the Atonement?"
I can't tell you how much it meant to me to see her make that connection. In our very first lesson with her, when I asked her what came to mind when she heard the word "Atonement", she said it was "pity" because the world is so dark and terrible and obviously He died for nothing. To see her understand for herself the truth that she can change and be forgiven through the power of the Atonement that she had previously counted as useless has been the most meaningful thing that I've seen on my mission.
As the lesson came to a close, I said, "Inna, you've decided to be baptized. Do you know what that means?" She sighed.
"Satan will follow me?"
I nodded and she kind of squared her shoulders and asked, "What must I do to keep my resolve?" It felt like we were in a football huddle as I explained to her what the influence of Satan feels like, the kind of things she'll struggle with, and what she needs to do when she feels those things. We all but put our hands together and said "break!"
She came to church and Lidija bore a testimony that was exactly for her. Couldn't have been better.
This week, I stumbled across a devotional talk given by Tad R. Callister called "Becoming Men and Women of Integrity" (I attached it and really, really want you to read it). I have always worried about acquiring the Christlike attributes of charity, humility, patience, and so on, but for some reason I haven't bothered myself too much with making sure that I specifically develop integrity. I would stand in line at the BYU testing center and read that quote by Karl G. Maeser where he says,
“I have been asked what I mean by “word of honor.” I will tell you. Place me behind prison walls—walls of stone ever so high, ever so thick, reaching ever so far into the ground—there is a possibility that in some way or another I might be able to escape; but stand me on the floor and draw a chalk line around me and have me give my word of honor never to cross it. Can I get out of that circle? No, never! I’d die first."
I'd think of how impressive it is to have that kind of self-mastery, but I don't think I gave much thought to asking myself where my own integrity was.
Now, obviously I'm not a conniving little rat of a human, but reading Tad R. Callister's talk made me realize that I haven't valued the virtue of integrity like I should have. He defines it perfectly:
"Integrity is a purity of mind and heart that knows no deception, no excuses, no rationalization, nor any coloring of the facts. It is an absolute honesty with one’s self, with God, and with our fellowman. Even if God blinked or looked the other way for a moment, it would be choosing the right—not merely because God desires it but because our character demands it."
Just reading that makes you want to be it, huh?
Another point that blew my mind was, "Integrity is the foundation of our character and all other virtues." How can you develop charity for others when you aren't totally honest in your dealings with them? How can you be humble if you aren't willing to acknowledge your own weaknesses?
This sentiment solved the mystery that's puzzled me since I began training. A few weeks before Sister Clark arrived in the Baltics, I took the Christlike Attributes quiz in Preach My Gospel and after looking at the results, I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm doing better than ever. Just a few points away from perfection!"
Just kidding. But honestly, I felt like I had finally learned (for the most part) how to internalize those attributes.
I have since then retaken the quiz, and the results weren't pleasant to look at. I had dropped quite a bit in most of the categories because of the change in my circumstances. And yes, I realize that you can't measure the virtue in a soul with a quiz but bear with me, alright?
It really bothered me. I couldn't understand why those characteristics that I have worked so hard to cultivate wouldn't follow me into any situation that I was put in.
It's clear to me now that I was trying to build those Christlike attributes on a foundation of sand and then getting really confused and frustrated when the tide rolled in or the winds blew and I was back at square one with sand in inconvenient places and no castle to show for it.
I hadn't laid the foundation of integrity first: the resolve to be true and unchanging in the things that matter most, regardless of how tiny or unimportant the situation might seem. My decision to be obedient, anxiously engaged, focused, and positive isn't something that should depend upon my companion, district, mission president, friends, spouse, or roommates. It should depend upon me and the content of my soul.
It's easy to love and serve someone when they think the world of you, but would your reaction be the same if it was someone else? Maybe someone who laughs at your heart-felt efforts or seems to see right past your strengths to point their searchlight on your weaknesses?
I'm not that kind of person yet, but I am determined to be. I'm so thankful to be learning this lesson right now. I have received very personal, individual, and edifying instruction from the Lord as to how I can better build my character on the foundation of integrity, and I have felt guidance in every measure I've taken to improve.
If you choose to strengthen your integrity, you will have less reasons to complain about your circumstances, a driving desire to be completely honest, and it will improve your relationship with virtually every person that you come into contact with.
Cool promises, huh?
This whole "training" thing is kind of hard and I sometimes think that others could do a much better job than me, but I'm pretty determined to let it be the best part of my mission.
Besides, if Mom didn't let me quit 8th grade yearbook staff, then I figure I'm gonna hang on in this case, too.
I love you all and I am so, so thankful for the emails this week. They meant a lot. Have a good week and know that I'm praying for you.
С любовью,
Сестра Гуч
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