Week 70: October 27, 2014

I've been feeling a lot of gratitude this week. I don't know where it came from (actually I do), but I've seen Heavenly Father's hand a lot more than usual. Not because He's suddenly more involved in my life, but I'm somehow better at recognizing it.
We were invited to Jurmala (an area about an hour away from Riga) to rake leaves for Valeri, a member in our branch. It's beautiful there, and his house is the most adorable thing. It's yellow with a white picket fence and it's actually the nicest/only house I've been in since coming here. We got there and Valeri told us sisters to get in the kitchen and sent the elders to rake...he's probably the most traditional Russian I've met. But it was funny because once we got inside, he told us that he told us we'd be doing service just to get us there. What we really did was take a tour of his house and conversed pleasantly with him. His house is full of antiques and sweet stuff that he's found on the street and just decided to hang up on the wall. Mom, I thought of how much you'd love it the whole time.
He fed us three courses of delicious food. I think Mike, Beau, and Jared would be especially jealous because it was amazing. I took videos, so you'll see it at some point.
I guess this week was pretty miraculous. In order to fully appreciate it, I'll backtrack to last week. Last Friday, I wrote down a list of my desires. It ranged from things that I want on my mission that are very important to me to unimportant things like wanting a new laptop for school. After looking at my list, I brought it to Heavenly Father and, in essence, said, "Here it is: all of my desires and wishes and, basically, my will. It's yours. In exchange, I want the desires and wishes and will that You want me to have." Looking back, it's kind of funny to me that I didn't expect to see any changes in the work here or anything tangible. I mostly just expected to stop feeling guilty for any distracting thoughts that I've had about plans for the future. But of course! Heavenly Father works by laws, and one of those is that if we are obedient, we recieve blessings. And beyond that, I wasn't just aiming to be obedient. I'm trying to become a true disciple instead of just a missionary.

So, the branch and my area and my companion and the things that I'm studying and the Baltics have been on my mind pretty much 24/7. I don't mean to sound like I've turned into a robot because that's definitely not what thinking about others has turned me into. Weirdly, it's given me a lot more freedom to think about things that matter. And so it's safe to say that I've learned more this week on my mission than any other week. Cool, huh?

Last zone conference, President Harding told us of a time when he was at the airport. He had a bag of his favorite cookies and a newspaper and had decided to sit down and wait for his flight in London. A British woman sat at the same table and, after a few minutes, he heard the crinkling of his cookie bag. Looking over his newspaper, he saw that she had opened his cookies and was eating them unashamedly. He said his first thought was, "Well look at you!" He determined that he was going to take one and show her that it was his bag. So he took one, then she took one, then he took one, and so on until he came to the last cookie. He said that it came time to board his flight and he was thinking of how cheeky that woman was. When he sat down in his seat, he reached for his laptop and instead his hand met a bag of cookies. With a sinking feeling, he realized that he'd eaten the wrong bag of cookies and that he was the cheeky one. He wanted to find the woman and apologize, but it was too late.

He then told us that once we figure out how to do the Lord's work the Lord's way, we would have the same feeling of selfishness and pettiness that he had.

This week, my eyes have been opened and I've had that feeling. My own desires, good and logical though they generally are, have gotten in the way of the Lord's. I wish I had more time to elaborate on that, but it's something that has filled me with a lot of humility and wonder this week.

We were able to teach a girl named Ksenia that the elders found. She's seventeen and my gosh, it always surprises me how much I love the people that I have a chance to teach. I'll hopefully tell you more about her next week.

Sorry it's so short. I love where I'm at and who I'm with and who I am but I miss you and I love you a lot and hope that this week is great!

Love,

Sister Gooch

Week 69: October 20, 2014

Looks like Sister Roy and I will be spending Thanksgiving together! Along with our whole district. Nobody in Imanta moved, which is so happy. I love the people that I'm serving with. As soon as we found out, we divided who's bringing what for Thanksgiving dinner. WE GOT THE BIRD, MA! You should send me a good recipe for turkey, gravy and stuffing. Thanks!
Speaking of which, the pictures are of us at Film Night! I can't remember if I've told you that we have been planning towards it all of last transfer, but it finally was brought to pass on Saturday. We did a photo booth and everybody just ate it up! I was so glad because I was worried that photo booths are just an American thing but everyone who came really enjoyed making a fool out of themselves.
I feel like the Film Night that we had in Daugavpils was a good warmup to what we threw here in Imanta. Everything looked excellent and it was like all the ideas that I had had in Daugavpils but didn't have the resources for were able to be actualized here. We also were able to show Frozen on a projector and everything just looked great. I'll be sending pictures shortly. President Bogdonov requested that we do it again on November 15th. Woo hoo! I'm super proud of it :) 

So I don't mean this in a pompous way, but I haven't ever really been homesick on my mission. That's not to say that I haven't struggled significantly, but I have never felt the sharp desire to not be where I'm at. That's not because I'm a perfectly consecrated missionary (do those exist?) or because there's not much to miss at home: it's because I have felt the love of God more on my mission than any other place. I felt it walking out of Sister Valling's apartment on a February night in Narva, I felt it sitting at Ludmila's kitchen table in Vilnius, I felt it as Inna flipped through her thoroughly marked and beat up Book of Mormon in Daugavpils, and I have felt it every time that I've pled with Him to change the weaknesses that I can't here in Imanta. His love is warm and comfortable, but not in the average sense of those words. It is not the kind of paralyzing comfort and warmth that comes with holding a cup of hot chocolate and being all wrapped up in blankets. His love is a catalyst for change that starts in your chest and works its way down until the desires of your heart match up with your hands and you're empowered to do what you know. 

In other words, to be true to the truths that you know.

In contrast to love as it is portrayed in movies, the love of God lends clarity of thought and vision. His love is the light that shines brightly enough to reach the darkest parts of us. It is not blind to our inconsistencies or weaknesses and doesn't endeavor to cover them up, but rather to unveil them because He will not allow for us to blindly carry around the things that will eventually give us heartache if they haven't already. 

No wonder God commands us to repent--it is the single act that breaks down the walls that we so casually and unintentionally build to block out His love, the very power that enables us to change.
Repentance is a merciful gift because Satan has a way of making us feel like we're building a castle when really all it turns out to be is a wall. He is all about minimizing potential and happiness, and he works especially hard to make sure that we are hardly aware of his efforts. Therefore, he restricts our perspective to look at one brick at a time, trying to occupy our minds so as to keep us from seeing the lackluster future that we're building.
In contrast, the love of God enlightens and broadens our perspective. It gives us confidence, purpose, wisdom, and endows us with a very real power to chase away the darkness. We can clearly see what it is that we're working for my faithfully laying each brick and we are filled with a desire to do and be more rather than settling down with the mediocre. 

In short, the love of God inspires us to be consistent with who we really are and endows us with sufficient power to do so.

Consistency in truth always results in peace of mind, and that's what Heavenly Father wants for us. He demands consistency from us because He feels that we deserve peace and confidence and wisdom and purpose, and none of those come without first living lives and making decisions that don't put restrictions on the way that He can manifest His love to us.

Mom, you asked me to summarize my mission (what I've learned) last week, and my first reaction was to think that it'd be on the same level of difficulty of trying to describe salt to somebody who's never tasted it. But in pondering about it, Romans 8:35,37-39 came to mind:

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, orsword?

 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The love that Heavenly Father has for us is the truth that I've seen consistently woven throughout my experiences and it's what has changed me the most. Because of His love, I'm home wherever I go. 

I love you all a lot. Like...probably more than you can comprehend.

С любовью,

Сестра Шакира

P.S. We're in the picture with Elder Atkinson and Elder Jensen. They're the funniest

Week 68: October 13, 2014

I think that fall always makes me contemplative, but when you add General Conference on top of all the leaves changing as well as beginning a new transfer, I feel like I've got enough to think about for the rest of my life.

It was a good week. We watched Conference with the branch in Center and it was fun to get to know some of the members there. A woman named Tatjana brought what she called “American salad”, which consisted of fried rye bread, mayonnaise, corn, and cabbage...pretty sure that's about as Baltic as it gets.

I also went on an exchange with Sister Robinette in Center. Because of that, I got to go to the botanical gardens twice and talk to my good friend Karles. I'm not entirely sure how to spell Latvian names, but it's something like that. We've been raking leaves and stacking wood together for the past few times and, since he works there, we've worked closely with him. He's reaffirmed my suspicion that everyone who speaks English without an accent learned from watching Cartoon Network. He's great.

I didn't have time to tell you a few weeks ago, but something cool happened to me when we were on a bus heading home after a long day. It was crowded so I stood near the doors. I noticed an old woman staring at me, and as soon as I smiled at her, she got up from her seat and stood next to me. Her name was Galena and I had apparently spoken with her a few weeks before. I didn't remember what our conversation had been about but I did remember her face. She told me, "I did what you said. I've been writing down my prayers and it has really helped me and my relationship with God." Then I remembered. She had been very adamant in not wanting anything to do with me because she was active in the Russian Orthodox church. I remember feeling like I could at least talk to her about prayer and I found myself telling her what helps me personally when I pray: writing it down. I invited her to do the same but didn't expect much to come of it. In fact, as I was talking, I wondered why I was talking about something so specific and something that I'd never used in teaching before. Looking back, I can see that the Spirit clearly guided that conversation and that I spoke of specific things because I was talking to a specific person--Galena. 
It was cool for me to see that even if people aren't ready to hear about the Restoration, the Spirit can guide me to give them what they are ready for.

I'm sorry it's so short this week but there are a bunch of hoolies throwing rocks and banging on the church windows. Time to get my belt out!

Love you all :)

Love,

Sister Gooch

Week 67: October 6, 2014

You know when you learn some incredible news and you're excited to tell someone about it so you tell that person over email or text that you've got something to tell them and they better be excited but it'll have to wait until tonight because you're both busy with work or school but then on your lunch break you're crossing the street and you see this person and you want to tell them every detail of what you've learned and they even ask what it was that you wanted to tell them but you're in the middle of the street and cars are waiting to turn right and it's so disappointing to realize that now is not the time and even if there weren't any cars, it just wouldn't be the right place because you have a lot to say but the person that you're telling would have other things going on in their head like what class they have next or how many minutes it'll take them to get from their present location to their destination if they continue standing there listening to what you have to say and that's the last thing you want because what you have to tell them is something that they can't really understand or feel as deeply as you do in that state of mind and you don't want to tell them just to say it and get it over with but you want it to change them like it's changed you but you're rushed so the excuse that comes out of your mouth isn't a fully comprehensible sentence so much as it is a bunch of mumbled syllables because you see car blinkers out of the corner of your eye but they understand that you meant that they'll have to wait until later and you make it to the other side of the street feeling like you just managed to put a cork in a firehose? 

That, my dear friends, is what it feels like to email you every week. Especially this week. 

First, before I forget, I'll explain the pictures. I think one is of Sister Roy and I in Old Town today. I always underrate the old town of the big cities that I've been in. It's beautiful and made me feel like such a tourist. But sometimes it's nice to feel like that. It's relaxing.

The other picture is of me in a really, really ghetto apartment building. To get to one of the members' apartments, you have to walk through an abandoned apartment building and we thought we'd express how sketchy it felt through this picture. Can you feel the cobwebs collecting in your heart?

Salaspils was amazing last week. It was a concentration camp from 1941-1944. The whole place had such a heavy feeling to it. There was a big slab of rock to place flowers and inside the rock, there was a drum that sounded like the beating of a heart. I'm so glad we went, though. It was the coolest place I've been on my mission and it fulfilled my lifelong dream to visit a concentration camp.

We had zone conference this week and, as always, I was thrilled to see my homies from Daugavpils. Elder Farns told me that ever since I left, Valentina doesn't let them touch the potatoes in her garden. She always says, "Я сама!" which is like, "I'll do it myself!" That warmed my heart somethin' sore. (That was for you, Mike. I don't think it works in that context.)

I mentioned last week that I'd only have time to share one part of what I learned from Helaman 5. The part that I didn't get to share is that I've been thinking a lot about all of the miraculous displays of power and faith in the scriptures and all of them have one thing in common: they were true to the truths that they knew. I find it especially impressive in situations like what Nephi and Lehi faced in Helaman 5, where they have no logical reason (to others) to hope or to keep trying. Their circumstances were dark and the peoples' hearts were so hardened that they woudn't even turn to the Lord when facing destruction. And yet, Nephi and Lehi decide to spend all of their energies and efforts on a mission. Obviously 

they didn't make that decision by looking around at their circumstances: they looked to God. To them, God's matchless power and mercy were more real than what they could see with their physical eyes. 

It's the same for many others: Moses hadn't ever seen the Red Sea part but he had seen God do the impossible and take a stuttering, weak man and turn him into a prophet. Nephi hadn't ever built a boat but he had been undoubtedly guided in the wilderness and had seen visions. 

They had the faith to give just as much validity to those miracles (gradual though they were) as they gave to the fact that the sun would rise the next day. They could do that because they didn't cound God as a whimsical Being that cared about them and showed it just through abstract things like good weather and a nice hair day.

We can tell that they must have known that God would never leave them unaided if they were righteous and if their hearts were in the right place; that He is unchanging, because He had delivered their ancestors; and if He's unchanging, then He loves His children and always will.

Obviously there's a whole lot more to what they knew, but what I find so incredible is that they were actually true to their knowledge in their actions. All of their circumstances were factual: there were an army of Egyptians surrounding them with only a sea to escape to; there wasn't a single hammer lying around and there certainly wasn't familial support, but Moses and Nephi understood that some truths supercede others. The power of the truth that emanates from God about His character will always dominate circumstances or facts. This kind of truth operates on a higher power and, therefore, should have higher priority in our faith and beliefs. 

By its very nature, truth abounds and multiplies because it is all somehow connected: truth recieved and acted upon invites a gathering place for the accompanying truths, thus fulfilling the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 88:66-68. 

Having your eye single to the glory of God means that you treasure and collect truth, acting in accordance with each addition of knowledge. 

We are often distracted by facts dressed up as truths that are far less superior to the truth that emanates from the very being of God Himself. That's why I was feeling so discouraged when I first came here: I was looking at a fact like "that woman did not want to talk to me" and connecting it with the "truth" that "nobody that I come into contact with is going to accept the gospel". I was connecting it with the wrong truth. The truth is that everyone has agency, not that nobody is prepared. 

I don't know how to explain this without making it jumbled and not concise, but I had the realization that we often prioritize the facts that we see to be in front of the truths that we know. And with the knowledge that we have of God, that's just not logical. 

I pretty much don't have any time to tell you about zone conference but it was the most inspired one that I've ever attended. As it was wrapping up, they announced that we'd hear the last testimonies from Sister Roy, Dalley and I. I felt like I'd been punched in the face. Seriously wasn't expecting that. All of us stared at each other in shock. Thankfully the Spirit was already really strong and so bearing my testimony felt right. 
I love you all a lot. Aaaand now I gotta cork this firehose. Have a great week!

Love,

Sister Gooch

P.S. Just throwing this out there: I would really love some hot chocolate and pumpkin spice...if there's any relief society woman who has pity on me, feel free to jump on that. Haha just kidding. (Not really.)

Week 66: September 29, 2014

I counted this morning and we are sleeping with seven layers of blankets (and a few tablecloths due to the lack of blankets) on our beds. That's not even taking into account that last night I slept in thermals, the wool hiking socks that Big J sent me, and the onesies that you sent me last Christmas. I seriously debated just keeping the onesies on when we went running this morning. 

So yeah, our apartment is freakishly cold even though the weather isn't too bad. Summer is definitely over though.

This week, we decided to turn our apartment into a soup kitchen and BAKE ALL THE THINGS. Sister Roy has a lovely bread recipe and we made six or seven loaves of bread for members and soup for daysss. Plus brownies. We (or rather, Sister Roy) came up with the idea to drop off dinner and a pre-made family home evening spiritual thought for the members who are too busy to meet. We're dropping off our first batch tonight and it's going to make me feel like such a Relief Society woman from the 50's. I'm trying to figure out how to make my hair do that beehive thing and start using exclamations like "hot dog!" and "by golly!" more often.

Yesterday at church, I was writing a note to attach to a loaf of bread in the kitchen when a member came in and looked at the fact that I'm a lefty, then said, "Левша!" That means southpaw. I had learned that word just to be obnoxious but it turns out that I actually needed it! I nodded and got really excited about it but I bet that he thought I was pretending to understand because it's quite colloquial. Either way, I've been feeling an abiding sense of satisfaction ever since.

I had an enlightening realization that I'm only going to have time to share one part of this week. 

In the beginning of Helaman 5, we learn that Nephi, a prophet/chief judge of his people, is dealing with a bunch of crap. The government has become so corrupt that their concept of justice doesn't even look remotely like the real thing and, put simply, "they who chose evil were more numerous than they who chose good."

I don't think that it's too far-fetched to say that Nephi had plenty of restless nights, asking the Lord what more he could do and feeling incredibly heavy in his heart as he watched things spiral steadily downwards despite his best efforts. 
So, to me, it made perfect sense when I read that he gave up his position to the presumably wicked Cezoram. The guy had exhausted all of his resources in trying to help these people and asked to be guided in every aspect, but in the end it didn't make a difference to them. His cries to return to that God who gave them breath fell on deaf ears, or at least they fell on ears who would rather be their own god instead of the One who actually requires His creations to become something worthwhile. 

So yes, giving up when you've fought for as long as you have the strength to is not only understandable, but it's logical. It seems sometimes that, in the circumstances that we wrestle with, we're trying to chase the tide away only to realize that we're just under the required size to stop an ocean from moving.

I would have guessed that that's how Nephi felt if I hadn't read further.

If those had been his true feelings, then he would have abandoned society altogether and spent his days plotting out something unchanging that he could have faith in, like the waxing and waning of the moon in a cave somewhere. Or at the very least, he would have found a nice little home one the outskirts of town so as not to be further bruised by the rejection of his people.

No. Obviously "hopeless" was not the most accurate word to describe how he felt because he decided that he was going to devote allhis time and energy to the one thing that he had perfect faith in: the gospel of Jesus Christ.

What strikes me is the humility that had to be such a fundamental part of Nephi's character. Even though everything about his circumstances indicated that any extra effort on his part would be useless, he had the humility to recognize that perhaps the Lord needed him elsewhere or to try something a little different instead of assuming that his work was finished altogether.

How tempting is it to count the obstacles that we repeatedly face as insurmountable when it seems like our best efforts aren't cutting it?

Well, join the ranks with the greatest examples of faith in the scriptures: there's always a first time to part the sea, to build a boat, to walk on water. The prerequisite is having the humility to acknowledge that your ways are not His ways and that the tidbits of knowledge that He gives along the way are enough to keep both of your feet on the ground.

The Lord has a harvest of blessings prepared for each of us, but He isn't interested in just the giving of blessings: it matters to Him how it's received. The difficulties that we pass (or crawl) through are the Lord's way of preparing us to receive the gifts that He gives us for what they are. He wants us to have eyes that can find value and worth in the overlooked; to learn how to see the full depth and dimensions of our blessings.

You can guarantee that if you're experiencing any kind of opposition in your life, the Lord is trying to change your heart to be more like His. Perhaps if we looked at our trials in this light instead of mourning the fact that they exist in the first place, we'd be more likely to recognize the divinity of our circumstances and, by extension, we'd be less likely to give up and throw in the towel. 

If Nephi had done so, then 8,000 people at the very least never would have found the peace and solace that comes with repentance and baptism. 
And who's to say that the humility with which you get through trials won't effect just as many? We are eternal beings and the consequences of our actions are eternal, so the decisions that we make really do mean something generations down the line.

Deciding to have faith in what you can't see why will always, always lead to moments in your life when you'll look back and see that decisions you made that had seemed to be small and insignificant actually made the biggest differences. Heavenly Father is a great rewarder of those who believe that He is always good on His word.

If you're looking for an enlightening scripture study, then read Helaman 5 and ask yourself what gave Nephi and Lehi the power to continue working with all of their heart, might, mind and strength even though they were weary. Remember that the answer is applicable to you and what you're experiencing.

I love you. I hope that this week is better than the last or the one before that and I hope that your gas tank lasts longer than usual and that you find some way to doubt your doubts instead of your faith. 

С любовью,

Сестра Гучка

P.S. Today, we're going to Salaspils with the district. It's about 45 minutes away by train so that's why we're emailing so early. But apparently there used to be a labor camp there and it's got a monument from WWII so I'm pumped! Hopefully pictures will follow next week.

Week 65: September 23, 2014

Just in case you're wondering, I feel safe here. I mean, relatively. I know that's not how normal people start their emails home but I'm running out of ideas, folks. The only times that I have felt just how loose my ties are to this earth and how mortal I am have been when the bush that I'm walking beside suddenly comes to life with the shrieks of cats fighting. That happened to me twice in one day last week and I'm fairly certain that my heart has been beating irregularly ever since. The worst thing is that those suckers are like loose cannons; first you hear the shrieks and then BOOM. They're running right where you're about to step. I guess it doesn't help that I have the irrational fear that they'll run up my body and destroy me with their claws in their blind fury. 

So yeah, it's been a great week. For real. It seems like I had an abundance of things to love and laugh about. 

I can't remember if I told you this or not, but we do service at the botanical gardens every Wednesday. This past week, we raked leaves and Anna, my friend from Daugavpils, came! She's going to university in Riga so I'll hopefully get to see her more often. She's fun.

On the way home from that, I saw an ancient man on a bench with a purple hat that had the silhouette of the Spice Girls on it. In CAPS, it read "SPICE". Poor guy probably has no idea what it means. If he does, he's shameless.

So long as I'm spouting random facts, I saw a hedgehog while running one morning. I've heard so many hedgehog stories from elders but had yet to see one for myself. Those things are precious!

Also had a good laugh on Sunday when I sat next to Valerij. We're doing movie night here in the next few weeks, so Valerij suggested that we watch "Scent of A Woman". He went on to tell me the plot and practically got teary-eyed when he said that because of that movie, he believes that "there is justice in this world!" What a hoot. 
Besides the fact that all of those minor details made this week fairly enjoyable, great things happened in the actual work!

I was trying to think of ways to get to know the members better, as well as a way to encourage them to get to know us. The only question I've really been asked here is, "Which state are you from?", immediately followed by a look of confusion when I answer.

So, it's pretty common for missionaries of the branch to have a little "About Me" with their pictures on the board in the church. I didn't want to do that again here because this branch especially seems to have little interest in talking to the missionaries since we change so often. 
What we came up with is to do a Mystery Missionary Spotlight, where there's a questionnaire kind of thing that one of us (my district) will fill out with some fun/funny questions that let our personalities shine through. There will be an envelope attached to the board where the members can put their guesses throughout the week and the ones who guess correctly will be provided with a treat from the mystery missionary. 

Kind of childish but President Bogdonov (branch president) is pretty pumped about it. I mean, as pumped as a stone-faced Russian man can get. We're also doing a Mystery Member Spotlight. I'm excited to actualize the idea this week. We just need to come up with good questions. If you have any ideas, send them to me! I'm drawing a blank over here.

I had quite the phone call conversation with a less-active woman named Allah last week that I wasn't going to tell you about (mostly because it was a long, taxing conversation with many details that I didn't feel were necessary for typing...and still don't). Basically, she called right before we were supposed to have a meeting and cancelled. When I asked why she couldn't meet, she gave me a halfhearted answer about her having another appointment pop up. I asked if there were another reason besides that and she told me that it's pointless for us to meet because she has made up her mind that she's leaving the church and she doesn't need some 20 year-old American girl trying to manipulate her. It was definitely one of those moments where I felt unqualified to be the one on the other end of the line, because she was right, to a certain extent. I don't know what it's like to grow up here in Latvia, with the things that they have to deal with concerning their government, what the culture is like, or even what it's like to grow up outside of the gospel. She told me that I came here with good intentions to see the world and gain experience and, sheesh, I don't know why but that just made my blood boil immediately. It reminded me of before my mission, when I told one of my high school teachers about my mission call and they were pretty adamant in insisting that I was going on my mission mostly to gain experience. I didn't defend myself then because I was awkward about talking about my purpose as a missionary, but I wish I would have. At least I got a second chance to do it to Allah. I stopped her and told her the truth, which is that gaining experience was the last thing on my mind when I submitted my papers to serve. Heck, if I wanted to "gain experience", I'd do a study abroad or something easier! I'm here because I know that having an understanding of who you are, who God is, and the power that comes with having a revelatory relationship with Him is necessary to have enduring peace and happiness. 

Over the duration of the conversation, it was painfully clear that she's been hurt in her life and that she didn't have anyone to turn to or to trust. She kept saying that she needed to find herself, without the brainwashing teachings of the church, its members, and the Book of Mormon. 

I was reminded of the scripture that warns us of counting good things as evil, and evil things as good. It was a paralyzing position to be in because no matter what I said, it would be counted as an attempt to manipulate. It's surprising sometimes how Satan can twist your perspective so much as to make you turn away from the only sources that you can find real help.
When I asked her if she's prayed or read the scriptures recently, she said no. From what I could gather, all of her beliefs were so much more vague and nebulous than what she used to know, and therefore it's easy to understand why she's so confused and doesn't know how to be happy anymore. One of the most valuable things I've learned on my mission has been that God is a god of logic and reasoning, and by extension, so is His gospel. We may not understand all of the ways that he works according to the laws of the universe (just like we don't have a full understanding of all the science that there is to be discovered), but we are provided with logical and concrete ways to gain access to His power and peace in our lives. 

I know I've talked about this a lot but I figure that if I repeat it enough, it'll sink into more than just your brain. It's still something that I'm trying to process.
I love my purpose as a missionary because it's given me a clearer purpose for the rest of my life. I'm so ready to take advantage of these last two months. 

Love you all to the moon.

С любовью,

Сестра Гучка 

Week 64: September 15, 2014

Oh, man. To start off this week, I'll tell you one of the things that made me laugh the hardest. It's not going to be that funny to you because, 1st: it was in Russian, which somehow makes everything funnier and 2nd: I think my imagination makes situations more comical than they actually are.

We were in missionary coordination meeting with Aleksei, who's a returned missionary. He's great. Sister Dalley was trying to describe a less-active lady to him and he was like, "Yeah, but if I remember correctly, her granddaughter is reeeeeally opposed to the church."

It was silent for a second and then Sister Dalley said, "That's weird, because I'm pretty sure that her granddaughter is five years old."

Picturing a little girl stamping her foot and yelling "NET" when her babushka wants to go to church just cracked me up. 

The cherry on top of that day was when we were waiting at a tramvai (I don't remember what that's called in English. Help?) stop and Sister Dalley and I were talking when right in front of her nose a bird pooped...right onto her scriptures. There's something hilarious about the way that Sister Dalley reacts to unfortunate events, and I love it.

Last Monday, we had a barbecue with the district here at the church. At the grocery store, they sell disposable grills (what?!) and we had ourselves some burgers. It's about time. 

Today we went into center to go shopping/out to eat with Elder Atkinson, Elder Jensen, Sister Dalley, and Sister Fackrell. Walking around and shopping reminded me that I'm in an amazing city and that people come here on vacation, so I should probably take advantage of that and start taking more pictures. Hopefully I get to send you some pictures of it today.

Church on Sunday was great. I was asked to bear my testimony, so I did. Using 2 Nephi 4:19...I think. Hopefully I didn't just tell you a random scripture, haha.

Since coming to Imanta, I have run into an interesting wall; one that I've never encountered on my mission. In endeavoring to explain it to you, I hope it doesn't sound like a bunch of complaining because that's not what it's meant to be. These details are necessary for you to understand the significance of what I'm learning. 

Imanta is different from every other place I've served. It's similar in the sense that there aren't really any youth and the members are awesome, but it's difficult because they lead very busy lives. Even though most of them are quite old, they have legitimate reasons for having no time in their week to meet with us. That's not the end of the world but it does slow down the work quite a bit because building relationships with them only happens on Sundays and in the ten minutes that we spend talking to them from their doorway as we drop off treats. 

Long story short: we need strong member relationships to find people and to support the people that we find through our own efforts. Without that, the work (along with me) becomes frustrated. Of course, that doesn't mean that our hands are tied and that we have nothing to do. There are tons of opportunities throughout the day to talk to people, especially since it seems like we spend half of our time on buses and trolleys (or whatever that blasted word is...tramvai). The thing is that it seems like this area more than any others that I've been in is particularly challenging to find people who are willing to listen. 

Again, without boring you with the details, I'll cut to the chase: the seeming stagnation of the work was disheartening to come into. Actually, it was motivating at first (if there is so much to be fixed, then there must be tons to do!) but it winded down after a few difficult things happened one right after another.

I found myself sitting on the bus in the middle of the week, nervously glancing over at the woman next to me. The nervousness wasn't necessarily born of desire to talk to her and fear that I wouldn't be able to express myself (pretty sure that no matter how long I'm on my mission, I'll always feel like I speak Russian poorly)--it was because I knew that I should talk to her but I absolutely did not want to. I had lost a desire to even try because I felt defeated before the conversation was started. 

Obviously the source of that discouragement wasn't God, but I was having a hard time with talking to Him about it because I've been a little confused by the signals He's been sending. Sister Roy and I have definitely felt inspired that the focus of our efforts should be on the members but it seems like all of our attempts to do that lead to walls; both old and new.

I guess it's been the first time on my mission that I really don't know what the Lord would have me do. There's the obvious answer of "keep working your hardest and miracles will follow--even if you don't get to see them until later, but that's just my problem! I don't want to work blindly; I want to do things exactly as Heavenly Father would have me do. Preferably detailed in a flow chart that's color-coded so that it's not only comprehensible, but nice to look at, too.

Well, that's not how He's given me guidance. It actually came in the form of a talk called "The Will of the Father In All Things, where Jeffrey R. Holland lovingly slaps me upside the head. 

He talks about the appearance of Christ right after His resurrection, and how deliberately He chose "first to obedience, his deference, his loyalty, and loving submission to his father. In an initial and profound moment of spellbinding wonder, when surely he had the attention of every man, woman, and child as far as the eye could see, his submission to his father is the first and most important thing he wishes us to know about himself.

Frankly, I am a bit haunted by the thought that this is the first and most important thing he may want to know about us when ‘we meet him one day in similar fashion. Did we obey, even if it was painful? Did we submit, even if the cup was bitter indeed? (Here's the part that gets me) Did we yield to a vision higher and holier than our own, even when we may have seen no vision in it at all?"

Whether it's in missionary work, deciding which school to apply to, how to pay off your debts, how to repair a relationship, or whatever--all of us at some point in our lives will experience the frustration of a seemingly silent heaven. God lets us experience it at the most impressionable moments of our lives because the lesson He's trying to teach us must be impressed (engraved; seared) upon us. 

Learning to be obedient against all odds--submitting your will to God's even if you don't know what exactly it is and you can't see a way through, around, over, or out of your situation, is what we're here to learn.

He continues, saying, The path to a complete Christian education passes through the Garden of Gethsemane, and we will learn there if we haven’t learned it before that our Father will have no other gods before him—even (or especially) if that would-be god is our self. I assume you are all far enough along in life to be learning that great discipline already. It will be required of each of us to kneel when we may not want to kneel, to bow when we may not want to bow, to confess when we may not want to confess—perhaps a confession born of painful experience that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are his ways our ways, saith the Lord".

The fact is that the map of our lives that we have in our head looks a lot like a map that Dora the Explorer would use. If it were to be perfectly followed, we'd short-change ourselves and come out of this live less than half the person we were meant to be. Besides, the ultimate destination isn't Chocolate Mountain--it's the celestial kingdom. 

I'm grateful that God cares enough about me to teach me this lesson right now. It's something that I'll learn over and over again, but I am thankful for the perspective that it lends in moments of confusion and discouragement.

Very early in the story of the Book of Mormon, Nephi's obedience to the Lord is tested brutally by the command to kill Laban. Elder Holland points out that, as readers reading a historical account, we are able to see the purpose; that it was in order to preserve a record and ultimately to lead to the restoration of the fullness of times. We know how much hangs in the balance, but as Nephi stands over Laban in anguish of spirit, he doesn't. All he knows is what the Lord asked him to do, and his determination to follow that led to so more blessings than he could have imagined.

As Elder Holland said, "If Nephi cannot yield to this terribly painful command, if he cannot bring himself to obey, then it is entirely probable that he can never succeed or survive in the tasks that lie just ahead."

We know the incredible journey that Nephi underwent afterwards. I'm not sure exactly what the Lord has for me in the future, but I will do all that I can to learn this one lesson; to be obedient under whatever circumstances I'm in regardless of my ability to see what's ahead.

If we choose to be obedient, even (or especially) in the moments where it doesn't make sense, then God will endow us with the power to do what is not only right, but what is best. We will not have regrets about the decisions that we make and a sense of peace will always abide with us, no matter what happens.

I attached Elder Holland's talk to this email, so please read it. He says all that I'm trying to say much more beautifully. 

I love you all and hope that this week is great for you. 

Love,

Sister Gooch

P.S. "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey came on in City Wok (place we ate) today and I just about died. What month is it again?